Ask the Potluck

Dear Timythy,

The other day my boyfriend wanted to go to third base. I said okay, but I was SoOOOO nervous, that when he put his hand in my pants I peed all over it!!! I was SOOOooOO mortified I wanted to crawl into a hole and die!!!!

I was in a panic so I told him that I was realllllly wet, and he believed me because i dont think he goes to third base that much. But now im nervous for next time we get to third base, because if i don't pee he'll think i'm not turned on, but if I do pee then i'm just peeing all the time.

HELP!!!

-WoopsieGoldenshowerz65

Dear Whatever,

First of all, kill yourself.

Failing that, I think the best policy in this situation is to ride your lie for all it's worth. Considering the obvious pitfalls; the potential for embarrassment, the likelihood of causing your boyfriend significant and possibly permanent feelings of inadequacy, etc., you may be overlooking ways that we can make your incontinence work for YOU.

I believe it was the venerable Sir Isaac Newton who once said, "We are to admit no more causes of natural things than such as are both true and sufficient to explain their appearances." Historians would have us believe he was composing a sonnet to his Pomeranian, but there may be much for you to glean from the man's abysmal poetry.

No one competent in the field of advice-giving would suggest you go on peeing ALL the time. However, for the immediate future, SOME pee may be sufficient to cover your tracks (got that little chestnut from Bear Grylls). Seeing as how the poor guy doesn't get to third base very often, it stands to reason that you might've had to pee on him anyway before anything interesting went down. If the universal condition of adolescent male sexual prowess is one of inept to inadequate foreplay, you'd be doing the both of you a big favor by making him EARN your pee. Tangible rewards comprise one of the cornerstones of development in education. Ask any third-grade teacher. Drink plenty of water. If you can keep a straight face for a few weeks of this, you may then proceed to phase two: weening yourselves off the watersports.

As your precoital micturation gradually decreases in frequency, amount, or fervor (your choice here), you'll likely observe your boyfriend going to greater and greater lengths to please you. You may also notice that his teeth are whiter, and that he's got a shinier, healthier coat. Eventually, your extracurricular activities should require no urine whatsoever, and it will be as though you've achieved some tantric plane of bladder control. At this point, your boyfriend, driven to utter distraction, should no longer have the cognitive capacity to care. You will have honed your unwitting teenage Severin into an atomic nookie-missile. With a little luck, promise-rings will burst into flames for miles around.

-TIMYTHY